It Never Ends

When I was a little kid, I was a loser (I still am, but people give me less shit about it now because I'm a tyrant bitch and it has become cool to be a dork). There were a lot of days I didn't even want to go to school because some jerk would make fun of me all day and I didn't really fight back. When I did fight back, somehow I would totally fuck it up and make myself look even worse than I did in the first place. One quick example: When I was in 6th grade I wrote a poorly coded note to a friend of mine about a guy with whom I was "in love". I went so far as to mention the one time I had spoken to him on the phone (which for me was basically on the level of having sex) and I felt the need to explain to my friend that he reminded me of a cuddly teddy bear. In a move only I could pull, I dropped the note in the locker room at school and it found his way back to him. There was a very short redhead in my class named Shane Sims, who was an asshole and really took the opportunity to make fun of me every day, probably to distract from the fact that he came from an extremely recessive gene pool. ANYWAY! I thought I would be super funny and distract everyone in my class from the constant "Jenny loves Aaron" fiasco by writing "Shane loves Aaron" on the back of my notebook and holding it up. Somehow this tiny ginger turd pulled the old switcheroo on me and changed the notebook to say "Jenny loves Aaron", so I was holding that up for my whole class to read. Not. Too. Cool.

That type of situation can pretty much be applied repeatedly from the time I learned to speak until I was 15 or so. When things like that would happen, my Mom and Dad would always offer the comforting wisdom that Elementary/Middle/High School doesn't last forever, and that eventually I would graduate and never see or think about most of those people again. As a kid with huge buck teeth and giant bangs, I was very into that. If, for any reason whatsoever, I end up with children of my own, I think it's a pretty safe bet that they will be losers as well. I was really looking forward to explaining to them that eventually they will not have to worry about all of the asshole kids that will eventually push them around or find out about their secret crushes. Having an end date for harassment and being a social reject really does help. Unfortunately, thanks to the Internet, wireless phones, and websites like MySpace and Facebook you never really do get away from the people like Shane Sims.

Much like the "people you may know" feature, which tends only to remind you of people you know and hate, the benefits of these websites (i.e. maintaining a sense of friendship despite a total lack of communication and face time/effort) are somewhat outweighed by the drawbacks. I was going to skip my ten year high school reunion, but now it doesn't even matter, because I know what all of those sloppy hos are doing! Now there's no point! Even if I did go to the reunion (which is scheduled to happen about the same time the world has been prophesied to end- not a coincidence if you ask me), I wouldn't have to ask what people were up to because I KNOW. I lurk everyone I can possibly lurk, and I know they lurk me too!

I realize the solution is as simple as avoiding these types of things, but if I did that I'd have nothing to lament. I'll just have to be more careful to avoid failing obviously so people don't have anything to call our former classmates and gossip about.