Not All The Way Blind/ I hope Hell is fake because I think I'd go there if it is real.

Metro-Detroiters- I've got some bad news. I'm sure most of you have seen the Sam Bernstein commercials featuring his whole wonk-eyed family. If we've ever talked about the commercials, I'm sure I've screamed something about how fucked up Richard looks and how hilarious it is, etc. I'm sure I've bellowed "Aahhhhhh MANNN Richard is my Bernnnstteeiinnnn" over the hills and magical Jesus cloud mountains into the vengeful ears of God Himself.

Well it turns out that Richard isn't just weird looking, he's fucking blind. Foot in the mouth, for the 14,125,425th time. I need a muzzle.

Anyway! The way I found out about this is worth noting.

Not since the great "snuggies are backless" scandal of Christmas Eve 2008 has there been such an uproar in my kitchen.

The scene: Tuesday night, pizza on the table. My mouth is completely full. A Sam Bernstein commercial comes on before final Jeopardy. Dad sits silently in the recliner.

I scream, with my mouth full of pizza "Faackin Richaaaadddd! Dass my boyyyy!" My brother scolds me- "He's fucking blind, you bitch!" My Mom jumps to my defense by interjecting "He's not all the way blind." Nick (my brother) yells back, "Yes he is! He walks with a fucking stick! He was is a professor at U of M! I sat in on a few of his lectures, he's very inspirational!" Mom, still not having it, says "He's just not all the way blind. No he's not."

If there is a Hell, I'm going there. Not just because I've been making fun of a blind guy for a while, or because I have premarital sex, or because I think it's funny when kids fall and break their teeth. I've been dealing with a lot of Jesus/religious stuff lately, and by pretty much every measure that has been presented to me, I'm going to Hell. This is a total bummer because I think I'm pretty nice. If I were in charge of whatever alternate to Hell there is- I'd let anyone in who was pretty nice and not a magician/circus person/carny/David Lee Roth. I'm going to be very upset and out of luck if God does exist and he's not like me in that I can't hate or be mean to (or condemn to Hell) anyone who is nice to me. If I am ever put before God, I'm relying on his acceptance of such phrases as "You know, I really love what you did with that whole Appalachian region of the U.S.- The mountains look great!" or "Where did you get that robe? You look stunning," or "Since you're omniscient, you must know that I'm a HUGE fan of beards." to keep me out of the infernal circle. Ugh. This sucks. Religion just needs to smoke a bowl and chill the fuck out.

Anyway, stop making fun of R.B. because he can't see anything.

Paralyzing Fear

I'm going to throw this out there: Why is it that there are no scary movies anymore, but I can casually browse the internet and find things that make me pee my pants and sleep with the covers over my head at night?

If I spend ten bucks on a movie, I'm subjected to people being loud and messy (which I hate) on top of a Powerman 5000 soundtrack (which I pretend to hate in order to retain friends). On the other hand, if I'm casually browsing the internet I spend very little money and come across things like a severed puppy head kept alive by science. In fact, I found a video of Sergei Bryukhonenko shining a flashlight into the responsive eyes of a disembodied fuzzicle beast, a floating puppy head- something with no body that could lick my fucking face! I'd post it, but the last time I did that several people deleted me on Myspace. I use the number of friends I have on Myspace as a strict measure of self-worth, so it was devastating to my psyche and caused me to eat an entire XL Explorer Pizza from Papa John's in seven minutes and wear nothing but Triple X Snoopy pants for a few days (Official name: 3x Snoops). Fortunately, I was able to add some frisky grandpas looking for a young sloth like myself and now I'm back to wearing jeans and blowing senior citizens. I'm telling you, if it weren't for the internet and baby boomers my sex life would be dead. Anyway!

Ever the cautious young lady, I kept the Snoops on reserve, and that's a very good thing, because today I found out about female masking coupled with some brutal visual evidence that will make your life fall off. "Life fall off" is a new feeling that I experienced while watching the videos.

Now, I usually hate it when people send me videos and I rarely ever watch them unless they are accompained by some sort of evidence that the video is worth watching. I tried to find a good picture of female masking, but for some reason when I did a Google image search all that came up were some Persian cats with angel wings. Although I did hate that, it wasn't as horrid as the female masking.

According to Wikipedia, Female Masking "is a sub-form of cross-dressing that involves, in addition to the wearing of women's clothing, a mask (usually made from latex) that gives a pseudo-real representation of a female face." I'm all for trannies, but this still makes me want to sew myself into a pillowcase and roll off a cliff.

I guess you're just going to have to take my word on how fucked up this is, and see for yourself.

Check out the world of Julie Masking, put a diaper on first if you know what's good for you.

http://www.youtube.com/user/JuliesMovies