Metro-Detroiters- I've got some bad news. I'm sure most of you have seen the Sam Bernstein commercials featuring his whole wonk-eyed family. If we've ever talked about the commercials, I'm sure I've screamed something about how fucked up Richard looks and how hilarious it is, etc. I'm sure I've bellowed "Aahhhhhh MANNN Richard is my Bernnnstteeiinnnn" over the hills and magical Jesus cloud mountains into the vengeful ears of God Himself.
Well it turns out that Richard isn't just weird looking, he's fucking blind. Foot in the mouth, for the 14,125,425th time. I need a muzzle.
Anyway! The way I found out about this is worth noting.
Not since the great "snuggies are backless" scandal of Christmas Eve 2008 has there been such an uproar in my kitchen.
The scene: Tuesday night, pizza on the table. My mouth is completely full. A Sam Bernstein commercial comes on before final Jeopardy. Dad sits silently in the recliner.
I scream, with my mouth full of pizza "Faackin Richaaaadddd! Dass my boyyyy!" My brother scolds me- "He's fucking blind, you bitch!" My Mom jumps to my defense by interjecting "He's not all the way blind." Nick (my brother) yells back, "Yes he is! He walks with a fucking stick! He was is a professor at U of M! I sat in on a few of his lectures, he's very inspirational!" Mom, still not having it, says "He's just not all the way blind. No he's not."
If there is a Hell, I'm going there. Not just because I've been making fun of a blind guy for a while, or because I have premarital sex, or because I think it's funny when kids fall and break their teeth. I've been dealing with a lot of Jesus/religious stuff lately, and by pretty much every measure that has been presented to me, I'm going to Hell. This is a total bummer because I think I'm pretty nice. If I were in charge of whatever alternate to Hell there is- I'd let anyone in who was pretty nice and not a magician/circus person/carny/David Lee Roth. I'm going to be very upset and out of luck if God does exist and he's not like me in that I can't hate or be mean to (or condemn to Hell) anyone who is nice to me. If I am ever put before God, I'm relying on his acceptance of such phrases as "You know, I really love what you did with that whole Appalachian region of the U.S.- The mountains look great!" or "Where did you get that robe? You look stunning," or "Since you're omniscient, you must know that I'm a HUGE fan of beards." to keep me out of the infernal circle. Ugh. This sucks. Religion just needs to smoke a bowl and chill the fuck out.
Anyway, stop making fun of R.B. because he can't see anything.
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The same fucking thing happened to me! Except I think I was even meaner by not calling him "my boy" but by just maybe, possibly "mocking" him. Saying something like, in a retard voice mind you, "Deert, look at me! I'm a googly eyed freak! Derp derp!" or something of that nature any way. Then BOOM! Truth bomb hit! Sure I felt bad but come on, who put this kid in the commercial. Shit, if it makes you feel any better, I still giggle about it and I am now in the know. To make matters worse I stated "retard voice" earlier! Should I save that seat next to me down there?
*ass getting hotter*
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