I received a strange document via e-mail yesterday, which brought to my attention a strange and horrible sexual fetish act: Forced Staring.
Forced eye contact is officially the creepiest and most awkward of all fetishes: this includes pee fetishes and foot fetishes. Enough weird stuff happens when you eventually climb into bed with someone, is forced eye contact really necessary? I can't believe people are really into that. I would hate it so much. The mere thought of forced staring haunts my dreams.
An unfortunate fact of my life is now that I know about forced staring, it's going to happen to me. I'm 95% sure. Eventually I'm going to have to tell a story about some guy I dated who blew a wad every time he forced me to stare at him for a long time. Every time something really starts to weird me out, it forces itself all over my universe. If you think I'm kidding, you should know about my magician hatred.
I fucking hate magicians so much, it's not even funny. When I see a magician I get so deeply annoyed that I feel like my ribcage is going to turn to dust. I moved into a house with a friend of mine after a shitty and annoying breakup under one precondition: NO MAGICIANS IN THE HOUSE. For any normal person, this would seem like a very easy rule. A couple of months later, I come home to none other than a MAGICIAN on my couch. Not a very nice thing to come home to. I'd say it's roughly tantamount to finding your children stabbed to death. Maybe a little worse, but that's the closest thing I can think of at the present moment.
Since then, this same roommate has become biblically familiar with a DIFFERENT magician. Last night at dinner, there was a MAGICIAN roaming around the restaurant, trying to delight people with his annoying, useless illusions. Criss Angel exists, and last night my freak ho Brother hinted that he may get his swerve on with a magician. I told him I would disown him, and I meant it! Someday, when I have more energy, I will fully disclose the details and intensity with which I hate magicians.
Fair warning- Once someone said: "How can you hate magic? You love wizards," to which I shot back "WIZARD MAGIC IS REAL! I HATE TRICKS."
I wasn't even thinking when I said that, but I really meant it. I'm mentally eight years old.
Seriously though: FORCED STARING! Sounds like the worst possible thing.
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It's actually all a huge trick! I find out what you hate, and I get to know it intimately.
Next: Guys who are into forced staring. Since if I dated a guy like this, it wouldn't really affect you, I'm going to find a kind of cute, chubby, hairy guy in a shitty metal band who's into it. He's going to be perfect for you in every way, but that one thing. And you won't find out about it until it's too late.
Next time you "randomly" meet a guy you like, just think about that.
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