Fish Lyfe Update

So after partying my ass off last night at the Whiplash/Wilhelm show (so much water I peed like eight times) I came into work and the office STILL smelled like corpse vagina. I was kind of hoping the scent would just peace out overnight but my luck is running on empty (Shout out to Jackson Browne) so it didn't happen.

I knew I was going to have to investigate, and I was absolutely not in the mood to get all Scooby Doo on this atrocity (8:30 in the fucking morning, assaulted) but I knew it was the only way.

I just want to preface this by saying a couple of things-

First of all, I am not someone who gets grossed out easily. I say and watch a lot of disgusting things while I eat. I once spent an entire dinner telling my whole family that my birthday dinner was all bits of my placenta and I always point out to my brother that when he was born his mouth was on my Mom's bleeding vag. They are usually bummed but it keeps me amused for weeks on end so whatever. What I found this morning made me dry heave.

Second, since I became employed with this company about a year ago, I have found some pretty disgusting things around the various properties, including but not limited to: An old man shitting behind a dumpster; a plastic Wal Mart bag full of nuclear yellow pee; mystery substances and a giant space age cockroach; and a pile of orange human shit that I had to clean up using a small Tim Horton's cup. I've also walked in on a homeless guy with no arm sitting in a recliner in a unit. I don't get paid enough to deal with any of this skanky shit, but I do it anyway because I'm a slave to the system and I need to pai mah billz (Smash the state plz).

ANYWAY, I tied a scarf around my face and walked into the bathroom and the smell was so potent I though my face was going to melt off. I thought I was going to turn into the disgusting decaying fish Toxic Avenger. I looked over at the garbage can and I thought "No wayyyy, no way." So I opened the garbage can and- let me be very clear about this: YES WAY. There was a soiled adult diaper in there. When I opened that trash can I basically got slapped in the face and called a fat slut. I started gagging and saying "That's not fucking right, that's not right". I ran to the dumpster so fast, gagging with a scarf on my face. I hope they don't review the security cameras.

Anyway the good news is that the disgusting smell is slowly dissipating after I thoroughly disinfected the entire world. This smell was not right and it was from both the future and the past simultaneously. It is something that cannot be properly quantified, much like time itself. I can't even think of some sort of "Cosmic Year" scale to try to put it into perspective. For a second I wished Carl Sagan were here to help me out, but I know he'd just say "What the fuck? That's not right. Not right."

I think I'm going to mail that lady a much needed summer's eve.