Edgar Allen Pole, My Goth Strip Club Name

Halloween is certainly upon us.

I can always tell when Halloween is coming because the calendar says so, but also because every year, the week before Halloween is so fucking cold I want to stab my face off. I have cleverly arranged my furniture (cardboard boxes) so that they block every single heat vent in my room. Most people don't know this about me, but I'm 25% Wampa. I think my Grandma was fucking around with some drugs and ended up throwing down with some reptocarnivores, don't judge. She was a very desirable ho and sometimes you wake up covered in snow next to a bloody furry dude with yellow eyes. It's happened to me at least twice. If anyone knows my Mom, you know it's a plausable story. I'd compare her to a Wampa or the Viking from those Snickers commercials (the "NOOOOO, YESSSSS" commerical).

Anyway, she may have single handedly pushed a car out of a ditch in the middle of January, but that's not the point.

The point is that because I try to re-create a somewhat Hothlike climate in my room and because I am not full blooded Wampa, I get cold. And because I am 25% douche bag, I own a black turtleneck or four, and every so often I wear them to work (only when I don't think I'll see anyone I know). This, coupled with my black glasses, makes me look like a "poet", according to a few customers. Today a guy came in and said "Damn girl, you look like Edgar Allen Pole!" I was a little bummed, but it's better than being told you look like Edgar Winter. So I said "Edgar Allen Poe?" and he said "Nahhh, Pole, mannn.... The Raven!" So I just agreed that I looked like Edgar Allen Pole. Then I was thinking about how I'd like to kill myself because of my job and the fact that I wore berets for awhile in the late 90s (contain your boner, if you can), when the same guy said "I always knew you was spooky!"

So I'm just sitting here being spooky, but I'm for sure not a poet. In fact, I was recently going through some boxes in my basement, and I came across a book of poetry I wrote when I was fifteen. A lot of burning/bleeding/ripping out heart imagery. This was coupled with my awesome drawings of the aforementioned scenes and some sparkly Smurf stickers. One page was actually tear-stained! I was awesome and had lots of friends. This guy Shawn dumped me and it really lit a creative fire under my ass, I guess.

Parents are shitty because they tell their kids not to do drugs or have sex, when they really should be telling their adolescent idiot children never to write poetry. Seriously! I remember that Shawn guy writing me poems and me writing him poems, it was a big mess. They were all like "As we walk over the causeway, my strange concomitant... etc." I don't remember specifics of the poems, but I do remember using the word causeway for sure. In fact, every time someone talks about a bridge I think of the word causeway. Just yesterday, my friend Dave told me he was stuck on a bridge and it reminded me of my shitty poetry and the use of the word 'Causeway'. That word will forever fill me with embarassment! Bridges see me coming and send "Oh hey, a causewayyy you fucking douche baggggg" vibes. Maybe I'll dig out the poetry and post it on here. It was really fucking bad.

I don't even like poetry. I know that totally goes against the awesome look I've whipped up for myself today, but I can't really think of poems that I like. I know some people who still write poetry, and it's still bad! Painful to read. Once a slam poetry session happened in the living room of my old house. It was a moment in which I wanted to skin myself. Please never write me a poem, if you were thinking about it.

Back to Halloween- I think I got out of most of the costume party invitations that were issued to me this year, which is really great because I'm the worst with costumes. I think my main problems occur and the intersection of me being a female and me not wanting to dress like a "slutty (noun)". I really wanted to be Han Solo but I slacked so now there's no time. Beyond that amazing costume, the only costumes I thought of were "Suicidal Wall Street Executive" which takes too much explanation (Trust me on this one: I was Black Tuesday a few years ago it was a failure), and "Hitler Youth". I was going to wear my 3x Snoops, put my hair in neat pigtails then draw on a little Hitler 'stache and drink whiskey out of a baby bottle. Neither one of those costumes are good and I don't want to be a sexy whatever so I think I lose. I am sort of excited to see the sexy costumes though, because every year they get better. I think I saw a sexy garlic press the other day! Sexy bowl, sexy plate, sexy funnel, etc. I don't know, I hate costumes.